Dear Aunty,
My cat seems to have decided he prefers my next-door neighbour to me. While I would feel somewhat put-out I wouldn’t mind so much that he is going elsewhere for some love and attention except, to complicate matters, I have also previously strayed next door for some love and attention and it did not end well. So now my ex-lover, who lives next door, is feeding my cat and the cat is having sleepovers and I feel jilted all over again. Should I put my foot down and tell the ex-lover that he is not to court my cat and let him in for cuddles? Or should I just ignore it and maybe start to accept that the cat has made a choice and that choice was not me.
Yours, Dumped
Dear Dumped,
Honestly, where is the loyalty, Dumped? One would wager a dog would never treat you this way. Your cat and your former lover deserve each other, not a scruple between them.
One knows all about disloyalty, Dumped.
Old Bert Saunders from next door has found himself a new lady love and One hasn’t seen hide nor hair of him for well over a week. Honestly, that man is as fickle as they come. And get this, he met this new love in the doctor’s waiting room of all places. They probably bonded over their haemorrhoids and persistent fungal skin infections. One dreads to think how gory the pillow talk gets.
Still, your Aunt is feeling the absence because ultimately One loves an audience. It’s not One’s fault though, it is because One practically grew up on the stage and is used to the thunderous applause that used to accompany One’s performances as part of an internationally-renowned can can troupe.
Of course, Bert is about as inspiring as the current crop of political leaders we have running this country. Is it just your Aunt or are we currently inundated with a crop of very bland, boring, beige men. It really is about time a fabulous woman arrived to shake things up. One knows what you are thinking, but One has never the energy or the inclination for a career in politics.
Anyway, back to One’s story. In an effort to keep Oneself amused while Bert is romancing his latest floozy, One has taken to attending, and occasionally getting on stage, at local comedy nights. One is not going to say where or when, lest One’s legions of fans turn up to throw bouquets at the stage. It has been quite fun to push Oneself out of One’s comfort zone but One doesn’t feel One will make a habit of it.
However, One has made a couple of new acquaintances at these nights and has been invited, as part of a group, on a boat trip to Rottnest this weekend. So, One is packing One’s bikini the second this column is finished and getting out the tweezers to tackle the sneaky greys that persist in poking out the side. Perhaps your Aunt will bag Oneself a wealthy divorcee or widow, so wish One luck.
So, One’s advice to you, dear Dumped would be — forget the man and the feline and go out and find yourself some new friends and new fun. Wallowing will get you nowhere so grab the bull by the horns and get on with life. And, you might want to go and check out a dog refuge too because if you are looking for loyalty, that’s where you will find it. Best of luck and keep your Aunt posted. And for now, it’s bon voyage, my dears. One will no doubt have some tales to share next week.
